Fragmented!!!

These past couple of days I've been feeling much better!!! I have come to realize that the darkness, sometimes can be a way to go within and rest to the depth that I need to. We all carry alot with us....minute by mintue.... For me, sometimes it feels like too much. I know the signals. I know the fear. I just have to remember to listen.

I worked on this painting during the past few days. It still surprises me that, if I really go beyond my critical mind, I can always see how I am truly feeling. It moves me to see it in my own work....it really moves me when I see it in other's work!!! I am a true testament to the healing power of art.

I yearn to give this gift to others who have challenges in their lives. And, I believe, we all have challenges. I have alot of thoughts about how to expand my teaching beyond the walls of the Doodle. That has become my safe place....my haven.... But I think there are other groups of people who would benefit from my classes in visual journaling.....youth, teens, chronically ill people, people with mental health issues.... Thoughts are brewing...possibilities....and lots of questions.

It's a rainy Sunday here. The monthly Journaling Group (about 15 wonderful women who support one another in their artistic endeavors) are gathering here for an afternoon of sharing. Then it is "Breakfast for Dinner" and movie night with Richard's children. A blessed day for sure!!!

I've Been Missing!

Have you ever felt that way? It's been horrible for me these past couple of days...I've been feeling like I've lost myself. I have looked everywhere for me but I have vanished. This person who is left is truly someone whom I haven't seen in a while and I don't like her very much. She has a very weak inner voice. She's scared. She punishes herself and she is so damn critical of everything she does. I want myself back.

I remain positive that I will find myself again. Today, I think, I'm feeling a hint of my presence but it is too early to be jubliant. I have to tread carefully in order to give myself space to return in wholeness. Can anyone understand this?

Don't worry, however!!! (That's hilarious!!! I'm sounding totally crazy and I'm telling you not to worry.) I think I'm writing about something that we all feel now and then...but of course I'm blabbing my feelings to the Universe (that's the most crazy part!!!), hoping that by putting it in words I might be speaking for others who have felt this way and also hoping that it will help my real self feel safe and come back again.

I wrote, previously, about my "retreat" days. I sounded so together and brave, but sometimes I just have to be sad and then....well I disappear. My dogs know where I am.....and my cat is staying very close. They are all assuring me that they can still see my true essence and that they love me. My husband keeps reminding me of "who I really am". I think he's hoping that he'll be able to help me find the true me if he describes me in detail. Sometimes he gets so frantic, trying to fix things. I can understand this....but it really doesn't help me to reappear. The next time I write, hopefully I will have found myself again.

Another Quiet Day of Creating!

Yesterday was a quiet day for me. Sometimes my body and my health issues tell me that I need to slow down and take a couple of days to move slowly and carefully. I am blessed because I get those messages loud and clear.....if I am listening!!! I'm getting better at stopping and taking the time I need. It is hard because that means days off at the Doodle and often cancelling plans with family and friends. The beautiful people who surround me know that I don't take these days unless I really need them.

I use to resent the requirements of "down days" so much. I would get so angry at my illness and would feel so horribly sorry for myself. I would constantly worry about my "to-do" list and would never let my mind turn off. I realize now how unproductive that was. It only made things worse instead of better.

Now I give into these days. I even can celebrate them as mini "retreats" just for me. I move very slowly, spend time just sitting and petting my dogs, looking, for long periods of time, at our beautiful view, read, watch some HGTV and do some quiet drawing and painting. I have to do these days. For me it really isn't a choice. If I don't take them....it always leads to even more down time and eventually a crisis. I've been able to avoid serious bouts of illness flares just by listening.... That is a miracle!!!

Yesterday I made four possible card fronts. I've included them here. I'm planning on making a series of cards for my future etsy shop. Also I'm hoping to use these as refrigerator magnets for my trades at Artfest. When I scan them they always come out so dark and you can't see the sparkle of the pens and paints I use. That's disappointing....but as this blogging adventure continues maybe I'll figure out a way to make my artwork look a little more like the real thing.

I get totally lost when I am painting, drawing and coloring. It is a glorious feeling when you find your creative groove. I have so much going on in my mind....it is a blessing to just rest in the moments of making art. It's a struggle to keep my critical mind quiet....but I am having more moments of pure enjoyment. It takes practice and diligence....hard work!

Today is another "retreat" day. Jamaica, our little, "old" dog is snoring on the floor next to me (All three dogs love my retreat days because they also get to rest and be quiet with me!!!). I can hear the rain falling on our windows. It's amazing that I use to resent these days with amazing amounts of energy. I called them "sick days" and never really rested. Now I can see the perfection of these wondrous moments of blessed retreat.

A Beautiful Evening!!!

Last night, after I got home from my Visual Journaling Class, we went outside to play ball with the dogs. Richard's son was over and the three of us were having fun just watching Mali and Jazzy run, jump in ponds, and chase the ball. I swear when those dogs are playing and chasing a ball they have full, blissful grins on their faces. You can't help but feel happy!!!

At one point, as I stood between Dana and Richard, I just stopped and took a deep breath. I found myself really focusing on the sacredness of the moment; our connectedness, the crisp air, my warm coat, being between two such strong men, our laughter and the dog's total happiness as they played ball with glee. Then it happened.....I looked up.....and I saw the most beautiful evening sky!!! The moon was peeking out of some clouds. It's brightness and glow was magnificent. The stars were very sparkling. I could see many and they truly looked like diamonds. The color of the sky was amazing...a deep, luscious blue...as deep as possible....with a texture just like velvet. I thought about the hugeness, the vastness of it all.

The significance of these moments was that I came to a place of understanding how important it is to take time to breathe and to become totally aware of your place in the Universe. How many times have I stood in that same spot, doing exactly the same thing and ignored the beauty of the evening surrounding me? I mourn all those times that I forgot to notice.

As I went to bed last night I went into the bathroom and the light of the silvery moon was shining in through the window. It cast an awesome glow on the room. It was as if I was given one more reminder, as I went to sleep, about the importance of awareness and taking time to notice.

A Day of Play!!!

For months now I have been creating a class called "Play". My intent was to develop a workshop where people could come together, leave their daily responsibilities behind and experience total creative bliss. My class was yesterday....and I believe that the students and I achieved my goal. We were together for six, long hours (with a half-hour break) but they all hung in there with me and seemed to have fun and experience success with the individual projects. I was hoping to quiet the ever present critic and teach in a way where the students could let go and creatively soar.

When I am teaching.....I am home!!! I know that supporting people in their artistic dreams is exactly what I am suppose to be doing. It is such an honor to watch people walk into the classroom with a small creative voice and then leave roaring with confidence and a smile. I have learned so much through my teaching. I watch my students carefully and am amazed at their courage and willingness to jump in with me even when faced with a blank, white page. I am often filled with total awe; eyes brimming with joyful tears and my heart beating wildly as I watch them gain confidence and become connected with their a creative spirits.

I arrived early yesterday at Stampadoodle so that I could get organized and have some time to breathe and get into my own "artistic-teacher" space. Steve and Wendy (the owners of the Doodle) were there early too....quietly helping me create the space so that it was perfect for my day ahead. After all these years (yes....it has been many years) we have developed a nice rythym.....they know me well, know how earnest I am and know how hard I work to prepare for my classes. Their support is invaluable to me and I am forever grateful.

As the day progressed I watched in amazement as seven, beautiful, shining women transitioned from tiny little smiles to totally joyful glee which only comes with true creative freedom. I heard exclamations of wonder and joy and many squeals of delight. I saw seven women supporting one another through a journey of color, texture, glitter and discovery. We had the entire sidewalk in front of the store full of beautiful papers of color. They worked so hard.....but you could see their amazement at what they had made.

It was an awesome experience for me. I am reminded, again, of the healing power of art. I want to thank the seven women who attended my workshop. You were wonderful....absolutely miraculous in your courage and in your beauty. I was tired by the end (exhausted) but full of glee.

Last night Emily (my beautiful step-daughter) came over and we had a journal night. It has been such a long time since we have just sat and created with one another and it was sosososo fun!!! I finished the above journal page and Emily worked in her altered book. She is 20 years old and I am so amazed with her artwork. She doesn't get a chance to work in her journal very often, but when she does she does some incredible work. She is so sure and confident in what she creates. One of my favorite parts of the whole process is that we get to talk and talk. It truly is a time of sharing. My other favorite part is when she gets so excited about her pages...she calls her Dad in and shows him every page in detail (over and over) and Richard is so patient and loving. It is beautiful. Every little girl (and even at 20 she is our little girl) should have such an amazing Father.

Today I am feeling so grateful for my marriage to Richard. We've known each other for about five years (married for almost two) and I am sure that I finally got it right (phew....it took two practice marriages to learn what I really wanted in a relationship)!!! Not only did I find a wonderful husband but I found an amazing family. I am honored to include Richard's two children, Emily and Dana (24), as my family. My son Alex, my borrowed son Joe (I'll explain later), Emily and Dana bring me great moments of joy and also a wealth of wisdom and growth. I consider myself very blessed.

I am feeling strong today. It feels good to have a solid beginning. There is so much coming up and I have to stay healthy.....and today feels like it's all going to be OK. I'm helping my friend Gail (you met her yesterday) and her beautiful family move. I am so happy for them. It is finally happening and I'm so glad that I get to be part of it. I hope everyone has a great day. Go forth and spread glittery love everywhere.

A Snowy Day!

I have many passions in my life.....color, texture, images, creating my art and journal pages, teaching visual journaling and paper technique classes, my family, my friends, nature, my pets... The list goes on and on. I heard.......You are an artist....it is time to act like one!!! That was an awesome directive for me. There are many ways to "act" like an artist....but I think, after much thought and soul searching, what that means for me is to be focused on CREATING my art and on being authentic in my world with art at the forefront.

I also heard...lead of life of compassion and love....in all things, in all ways!!! This is another amazing directive that should be part of every action and move I make. It is so easy to become distracted by the noise in my world, but my intention is to live a life that is whole, real and good.

I move very quickly, both physically and mentally. My mind seems to swirl and twirl with thoughts, ideas, "to-dos", "to-don'ts"...... at times it can be an exhilirating ride and at others it can be totally terrifying. There are many challenges...but I know that to do any of my "directives" I must maintain a balance and a focus. I think I have many issues which makes this difficult....my health being the main one. I continue to be a work in progress...struggling with doing too much, letting the main structure of my life weaken and making everything very difficult to do. Always when I begin to feel overwhelmed I loose my place and without this strength I really become ineffective. It is so easy to let go of the bones that I require to keep everything moving correctly (rest, exercise, medication regimes, healthy eating, meditation).
I don't think it takes a chronic illness to have these issues; however, I believe that the warning signs of straying off my path may come sooner in the process. For that, I guess I am lucky.

For us artists there is so much noise. It really is a journey of stepping out in faith and believing in oneself enough to take great leaps every time we are faced with a blank canvas. The "mind critics" are so loud.....we have to work hard to quiet them and to keep moving forward. For me, creating art is such a spiritual journey. It becomes my life force. It seems as though my "crtics" want me to forget that. But eventually I remember who I really am...and move toward my world of color, image and texture.

Today I will live my life as an artist......an artist who moves with love and compassion by her side.